Friday, January 9, 2015

A long overdue post--Closure

You guys, I'm a bad blogger. And it's not surprising to me, because I'm generally just really bad at consistency and following through on things that aren't essential. Plus, I just have all these kids and I homeschool and I have this house to keep up...and I guess blogging just isn't a priority.

But I've reached some resolutions in the last several months and I feel like I should wrap up some stuff here on the old blog.

As I mentioned in my most recent post (which I though I published back in May, even though I apparently didn't--I was in the fog of mothering a newborn, after all), I decided I was d-u-n least for that time.

Well, now I'm double d-u-n done. Like, forever.

I originally left the church nine years ago. Since then, I have felt perfectly fine with my choice. I certainly haven't ever felt like I was doing anything "wrong" by not attending church, because in all this time, I haven't ever believed in any of the rightness and necessity of church activity. But as you know, I have almost always missed the community and a lot of the culture of Mormonism, because it was good to me. And I've always been kinda proud of my Mormonism, because I've always believed Mormonism to be a good thing...just a good thing that I couldn't reconcile my actual beliefs with.

Well, that has changed.

I still think most Mormons are fabulous people. And there are a lot of things about me that were shaped by Mormonism and are good. And I'll always claim Mormonism as my heritage. I'm a Mormon, dammit.

Now days not only am I at peace with not raising my kids in the church, but I actually don't feel like I could raise them in the church. I now see the church as an atmosphere that is severely damaging to people and relationships.

Most recently there's this show, "My Husband's Not Gay", on TLC. Maybe you've seen the controversy surrounding it. It's about Mormons in mixed-orientation marriages. Well, one of the men on the show is my friend from high school. He is one of the most sincere, wonderful people I've ever known. My initial reaction to the show was pretty supportive, at least of the couples involved. I mean, if someone says they're happy, who am I to say they're not? Plus, knowing and loving this person, I just really, truly hope he IS happy. So I started a discussion about it on Facebook (because that's what I do), saying that I'm happy for those people and we can't really judge their actually happiness, because we're not inside their heads, right? I still stand by that.

But then one of my other friends shared this friend's interview for Voices of Hope (a site all about "same-sex attraction", particularly couples who are involved in mixed-orientation marriages). I sat and watched, for an hour, someone I love talking about a horrific childhood and adolescence. When I knew him, he was suffering shame and loneliness. It was very difficult to watch, knowing that I was there, every day. He went on a mission and bargained with God to take away his feelings if he served faithfully. He was devastated when it didn't work. He never told a single person until well into his twenties. When he told his mom, he says she was just so wonderful about it. How did she react, when her grown son fell on the floor in tears and told her he was gay? What was her angelic reaction? She immediately told him that they were going to find answers and figure it out. He bore his whole self to her for the first time in his life, and she told him she was going to help him fix it. Ick.

As we were watching, my husband observed that Preston's parents were the reason he suffered. Truth. And the reason they were the reason? The church. All of his suffering is because he was raised in this messed up church.  I cried through the whole damn video. I was heart broken.

And then I thought of all the gay Mormon kids who have lived and are living like that--completely alone, not telling anyone, terrified that someone might find out, worried about what it means about the rest of their lives, not sure how they'll ever be happy, wondering if the only way out of their agony is suicide. All because of the teachings of the church. I just can't. I can't be involved with a church like that. Because even if it isn't my kid feeling like that, somebody's kid is. Lots of them are.

So anyway, I was suuuuper done before this, but this is the freshest thing on my mind today. Perhaps I'll write some more about some of the other stuff later.

No comments:

Post a Comment